Blonde Ambition

Posted by Laura at 9:27 AM 2 comments

Labels: My Husband is Awesome, Weight Watchers, Weight Woes

Posted by Laura at 1:18 PM 1 comments

Labels: Food, Weight Woes

I've started reading a new book, Refuse to Regain. It's all about helping those looking to maintain weight loss. Since I have found support for maintaining so difficult to come by, I was excited to find this book. In the first chapter, the author presents some statistics that are pretty crazy.

So I basically have a better chance of getting into medical school than keeping this weight off. Rather than let those statistics scare me, I'm going to use it to motivate me. I am determined to be in that 20%.

Posted by Laura at 6:31 AM 1 comments

Labels: Weight Woes

So the last few days I have had a familiar feeling that fills me with dread and reminded me how much I slacked on my workouts. My thighs are rubbing together again! It’s only ever so slight but it makes me so mad. How could I have let this happen? It’s not like I went off the deep end. I still worked out a few times in the last month and still watched my food intake some of the time. Ugh, I guess it’s just a reminder that this is never going to be easy and I’m going to have to be careful for the rest of my life. This blows.
So I wallowed in self pity for a short while and then realized that all that will do is make me fatter. I had so many excuses for myself and it is time for them to stop. From now on I have to get back into my routine and stick to it. We are all moved so there is no reason not to get to the gym four times a week. I started back yesterday and did the first day of Couch to 5k and rode the bike for 20 minutes. I wanted to cry at how slow I was. Some people can not work out for months and then go run a few miles no problem. Not me. Working out is never something that has come easily to me. It took a long time before I didn't curse the gym whenever I went there.
I have to stop beating myself up for how out of shape I’ve gotten in these few short weeks and start fresh. Instead of focusing on what I can’t do that I used to be able to do, I need to start fresh and then focus on my improvements.

Posted by Laura at 10:56 AM 3 comments

Labels: Exercise, Weight Woes

I sit here feeling like a total blob. The last few weeks, eh actually months have been a roller coaster when it comes to my diet and exercise. I feel like I have said, "I'll start tomorrow" a hundred times. I will do OK for a few days and then something happens that causes me to throw in the towel. Life is coming at me hard and although I've made progress, I still haven't conquered my emotional eating. When I feel stress my thoughts of food are magnified 1000%. I have found ways to cope with this but with all that has been going on lately, it has become harder to manage.

Posted by Laura at 12:23 PM 1 comments

Labels: Weight Woes

Ever since Saturday my eating has been less than stellar. For some reason this month, the PMS monster had me in a tighter grip than usual. I've been snacking like crazy on not so healthy things. Plus, I skipped the gym on Monday night to go shopping. I know it's only one day but paired with bad eating habits I can quickly derail. Yesterday I thought I deserved a day to blow it big time and was excited to eat something really greasy. I convinced myself that I also didn't need to go to the gym that night. I went out at lunch and picked up some Chinese food and was so excited to get back and eat it. After I took the first bite I realized it wasn't as good as I had built it up to be in my head. I kept eating though, reminding myself I "deserve" this. Afterwards, I felt awful. Not only did my stomach hurt, I felt like a slug. All I wanted to do was lay down and take a nap. Even though I had already decided I deserved a night off from the gym, now I couldn't even imagine working out in this state.
Of course as it always happens when I gorge myself on junk, I beat myself up and labeled myself a failure. As I was driving home, I was shaming myself with the usual things I say when I've blown it in the past. "You might as well just give up." "I knew you couldn't keep this up, you might as well accept your fate as a fatty." Then I had a moment and one of those cheesy motivational Weight Watcher lines popped into my head. "If you keep doing what you did, you'll keep getting what you got." This made me think of two things. If I keep convincing myself I'm a failure at staying thin long term, I'll continue a lifestyle of yo-yo weight loss. I don't want that and this is the closest I've been to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I want to keep it that way rather than this become just another period in my life where I've lost weight. It's been 8 months since I got serious about getting in shape and it would really suck to have to start that count over. It also made me think, since it has been 8 months, obviously I've been doing something right. I can go back to my normal routine and I'll be fine. I may gain a few pounds but after a few days back in the swing of things it will come back off. So I realized it comes down to a decision. Let this be the mistake that derails all my hardwork or let it be a lesson and an opportunity to grow.
I chose the latter and decided that even though I felt like crap and had told myself I deserved a day off from the gym, I needed to go. I knew it would get me back on track and plus I really enjoy working out. Especially since I would have missed my step class. So as soon as I got home, I changed into my workout clothes. I can't stand the thought of taking off workout clothes without having actually worked out so I knew that once they were on I'd make it to the gym. I got to the gym and it felt good to be there. Even though I had only missed one workout I felt out of whack. Class was good but I could definitely feel my Chinese food bouncing around. Half way through I actually threw up in mouth. Sorry that is so disgusting but it really reminded me of another reason to not eat like crap. Besides keeping my weight in check, staying within my points makes me feel so much stronger and energetic. I was able to make it through but with a lot less vigor than usual.
Last night I knew I needed to equip myself. As much as I was motivated, it's still easy to let those negative thoughts come back. Especially when my stomach is empty. So I packed my lunch and made some diet coke chocolate cupcakes so I could satisfy Aunt Flo. This morning I had my usual breakfast of a slimfast and a fiber one bar. I can definitely say I'm back on track. I just keep reminding myself that today is a new day and I can't fix what I did, I can only learn from it and move forward.

Posted by Laura at 9:36 AM 4 comments

Labels: Weight Woes

I really feel like laying down and throwing a tantrum like an infant. Some days I'm so tired of this weight loss game. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out.

I've decided, as much as it angers me, that my body is deadset on my current weight. About 2 months ago, I hit a plateau so I decided I would just try and maintain until after my birthday. Then after that I would try to lose those last 10 pounds. In Weight Watchers when you want to maintain your weight, you add in 2 extra points to your day and then see if you gain weight. If you gain more than 2 pounds, you cut those points out. If you don't gain or you still lose you add in 2 more. You continue this until you find the most points you can eat without gaining. This is such a scary thing because my problems are so mental. Even a minimal gain can send me into a craze. I think, "Screw it, I can't do this I'm destined to be fat." and run for my pantry. I know I have to change my way of thinking but I'm so hard on myself so any type of gain to me is a failure.

So I just kept telling myself I needed to give this a try and if I gained a few pounds I would just go back to losing mode. When I'm in losing mode I get 20 points a day so I added in 2 and nothing happened so I added in 2 more. I went up about a pound but it comes and goes so I decided to stop there. So I stayed at 24 points a day and it felt good to be able to eat a little bit more and not gain. Now that my birthday is over I was ready to lose again. So last week, I cut back to 20 points a day. I was excited to get on the scale on Saturday praying for a loss. Guess how much I lost?
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, so disappointing. I mean I couldn't even get a half a pound? I'm sure you're listing off all the reasons but I promise you, AF is nowhere near, I haven't had anymore sodium than normal and I was weighing at the same time and scale. I can't even put into words the frustration I feel with this. Maybe this is just the smallest my body can be. If so, that blows big time. I don't think I'm being unrealistic. Ten more pounds wouldn't put me in a class with Mary-Kate (or Ashley whichever one had the ED) or anything, I'd be 130.

I wonder if I'm too fixated on the number. If I could lose those last 10, I would be at 50 total since I began WW way back in the day. I have just always had 130 in my mind and feel like a failure if I accept that I won't meet my original goal. I have friends who are this weight or comparable in comparison to their height who I consider thin. I don't think I am thin and maybe I think if I can be like them, I'll be thin too. I know that everyone is different and I've got to work with the body God gave me. I try and tell myself this over and over but still part of me isn't satisfied. I just wish he'd give me the chance to test out 130 and see what it's like. Who knows, it may be too small for me. I mean if I lose anymore in my butt, I'm going to need to carry a doughnut with me to sit on. But my hope is that at least some of it would come out of my belly.

Some tell me not to lose any more, that I'd be too thin. I think that is a joke but even if it was true I just want to find it out for myself instead of have to put so much effort into convincing myself that this is a good weight for me.

Posted by Laura at 11:26 AM 5 comments

Labels: Weight Woes