Blonde Ambition

I really feel like laying down and throwing a tantrum like an infant. Some days I'm so tired of this weight loss game. I don't know if I'll ever figure it out.

I've decided, as much as it angers me, that my body is deadset on my current weight. About 2 months ago, I hit a plateau so I decided I would just try and maintain until after my birthday. Then after that I would try to lose those last 10 pounds. In Weight Watchers when you want to maintain your weight, you add in 2 extra points to your day and then see if you gain weight. If you gain more than 2 pounds, you cut those points out. If you don't gain or you still lose you add in 2 more. You continue this until you find the most points you can eat without gaining. This is such a scary thing because my problems are so mental. Even a minimal gain can send me into a craze. I think, "Screw it, I can't do this I'm destined to be fat." and run for my pantry. I know I have to change my way of thinking but I'm so hard on myself so any type of gain to me is a failure.

So I just kept telling myself I needed to give this a try and if I gained a few pounds I would just go back to losing mode. When I'm in losing mode I get 20 points a day so I added in 2 and nothing happened so I added in 2 more. I went up about a pound but it comes and goes so I decided to stop there. So I stayed at 24 points a day and it felt good to be able to eat a little bit more and not gain. Now that my birthday is over I was ready to lose again. So last week, I cut back to 20 points a day. I was excited to get on the scale on Saturday praying for a loss. Guess how much I lost?
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, so disappointing. I mean I couldn't even get a half a pound? I'm sure you're listing off all the reasons but I promise you, AF is nowhere near, I haven't had anymore sodium than normal and I was weighing at the same time and scale. I can't even put into words the frustration I feel with this. Maybe this is just the smallest my body can be. If so, that blows big time. I don't think I'm being unrealistic. Ten more pounds wouldn't put me in a class with Mary-Kate (or Ashley whichever one had the ED) or anything, I'd be 130.

I wonder if I'm too fixated on the number. If I could lose those last 10, I would be at 50 total since I began WW way back in the day. I have just always had 130 in my mind and feel like a failure if I accept that I won't meet my original goal. I have friends who are this weight or comparable in comparison to their height who I consider thin. I don't think I am thin and maybe I think if I can be like them, I'll be thin too. I know that everyone is different and I've got to work with the body God gave me. I try and tell myself this over and over but still part of me isn't satisfied. I just wish he'd give me the chance to test out 130 and see what it's like. Who knows, it may be too small for me. I mean if I lose anymore in my butt, I'm going to need to carry a doughnut with me to sit on. But my hope is that at least some of it would come out of my belly.

Some tell me not to lose any more, that I'd be too thin. I think that is a joke but even if it was true I just want to find it out for myself instead of have to put so much effort into convincing myself that this is a good weight for me.

Posted by Laura at 11:26 AM

Labels: Weight Woes