Friday, May 29, 2009

A Game Plan...Sort Of

So I'm 2 weeks post d&c and physically I'm feel pretty good. Luckily, I only bled for 5 days and only had some mild cramping. Emotionally, it's a whole different story. I am relieved it's all over and sad that we went through this but most of all, I'm angry. Like crazy, full or rage, wanting to beat the f*** out of someone angry. I can't stand to hear about the irresponsible people I know who have perfectly healthy kids. I just can't make sense of it all and that makes me even more angry.

Over the last week the anger has been getting worse and has begun to consume me. This along with the whole "start trying again or wait" debate has made me a wreck. My head has felt like a sea of a million emotions in the midst of a huge thunderstorm. Feeling pretty hopeless, I went to see our counselor. Hubby and I saw him for our premarital counseling and have gone to see him occasionally over the last 3 years. He is so awesome and always knows how to talk me through a rough situation.

The biggest thing he helped me realize is that I'm entitled to every emotion I'm experiencing. Because miscarriage is so common, I have felt guilty for how much this has taken a hold of me. So many times I have told myself I just need to get over it. Then when I get upset, I'm mad at that I've let it get to me. By talking to our counselor, I've learned it's a process and I need to grieve. I think if I fully allow myself to mourn and work through my feelings, eventually I will be healed. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it but I don't think we ever fully get over a loss.

I also discussed my feelings about trying again. It scares the living the bejeezus out of me to get pregnant any time soon but at the same time I don't want to put it off. He suggested moving my focus away from all things pregnancy related. Focus on all the other things in my life and if it happens it happens. I could easily become obsessed with not getting pregnant and all my fears as much as I could with TTC.

So now my focus is going to be on losing some weight, spending time with Hubby and enjoying all of things that child-free life has to offer. I know when I do get KU again, I will be scared. Especially because I had absolutely no physical warning signs. But at least I know miscarriage is something I can survive. I remember thinking before the miscarriage that there is no way I could handle one. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.

So the gameplan is to have no gameplan and just live life. That's something I can do!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My heart hurts

I can't explain it any other way. We were at Rite Aid last night and saw an incredibly young girl ready to pop. Her and her pants sagging boyfriend could not have been over 16. I wanted to scream at her. I just don't get it. Why her and not me?

Ok, gotta focus on the positive. I'm on day 3 of sticking to WW and am going to go to the step aerobics class at the gym. I haven't been in forever and I'm actually looking forward to it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Back on the wagon

Yesterday was my first day back on track. Aside being back on WW, I went to the gym. Usually on Mondays I would take a SET class that is a mix of cardio and weights. I knew that there is no way I could even keep up and I didn't want to be discouraged. So I just went to the gym and did some cardio. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I kept having these negative thoughts about how out of shape I've gotten but I had to keep reminding myself that it's in the past and all I can do is move forward. It's either that or wallow in self pity and keep expanding. Our anniversary is 6 weeks from tomorrow and I'm determined to be down 10 pounds by then.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Moving on

First of all, I have to say I am so incredibly grateful for every one of your thoughtful comments. I feel so incredibly lucky to be "surrounded" by such great people. All of your thoughts and prayers are so appreciated and I know I am going to make it through this.

Yesterday (Friday) was the d&c. I really think the worst part was not being able to eat or drink anything after midnight on Thursday. They really mean nothing. The instructions even said chewing gum was out of the question.

So I tried my best to sleep in and relax before we had to leave. We needed to leave the house by 11:15 so I enjoyed The Price is Right and then got ready to go. As I was walking to the car, a mother effing bug flew in my ear! It went straight in there and would not come out. I could feel it flitting around. After nearly killing my eardrum, I was able to get it out with a q-tip. I started crying. It was one of those FML moments.

After the bug debacle, we were off to the Hoag Outpatient Surgery Center, which funny enough is not at Hoag but across the street. Since we are ballers, we valet parked. Ok, we are actually lazy and parking is a total biotch so we took the easy route. When we got into the front office, I had to sign a bunch of paperwork and that is when it sunk in. It's over, there is officially no hope of discovering later that they were wrong and there is a healthy baby growing inside of me. At that point, I lost it.

I blubbered the whole way as they got me ready for the surgery and went over the procedure. I don't know why but I kept apologizing. I was emotional plus starving and I just couldn't keep it in. Everyone there was really understanding and only once person decided to inform me that everything happens for a reason. She even prefaced it with, "I know you don't want to hear this." I contemplated punching her but I didn't want to rip out my IV.

After waiting for what felt like an eternity, they shot me up with a fabulous cocktail and within seconds I was giggling like a school girl. After that they wheeled me back and I don't remember anything from that point. The next thing I knew, I was in recovery. I didn't feel too bad, just a little bit of cramping. They gave me some pain medication and I quickly felt better. After about half an hour, they wheeled me to the car and we were on our way home. I dined on some fabulous mac and cheese and napped for awhile. Later, I was actually feeling pretty good so we went to dinner with some friends. Today, I've just been taking it easy. My parents brought us lunch and I've been working on some sewing projects I've been putting off.

So all and all, I survived and I'm so glad I went with the d&c. Even as of yesterday morning, I hadn't had any bleeding or cramping so who knows how long it would have taken my body to naturally miscarry. It really baffles me that my body still hadn't realized that the baby stopped growing. I guess it's a good thing that my body tried so hard to hold on. I don't know if it really means something but it makes me feel better.

As far as moving forward and trying again, I'm really unsure. The NP we saw right after we found out said we should wait 1 to 2 cycles and the doctor told me 2 to 3 cycles. Everything I've read said it isn't any riskier to get pregnant right away. I've heard a few stories of friends of friends who got pregnant their first cycle after the miscarriage and their babies are fine. So I'm not sure what to do. I want to do what is best but if there really isn't any reason to wait, I'd rather not. It took us a few months the first time anyways so who knows if I would even get pregnant right away. I guess I have some time to figure it out, I was given a list of things I can't do for 2 weeks and that includes doin' it. Lucky for hubby, 2 weeks ends on his birthday :)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Not the return to blogging I had hoped for

I haven't blogged in awhile and had hoped to return with a great announcement. At the end of March I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, at our appointment last Friday, when I should have been 10 weeks, we found out the baby had stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. I can honestly say this was the worst moment of my life. From the moment I got the positive result on the home pregnancy test, I had the fear that something like this would happen. I think every pregnant woman has this fear. Sadly my fears became a reality.

I can't help but be a mix of emotions. Beyond being incredibly sad, I'm angry. Why me? When so many irresponsible people get pregnant on accident and deliver a healthy baby, why do I not even make it out of the first trimester? I don't begrudge anyone I care about a baby but I just can't make sense out of how God decides which babies will make it and which ones won't.
I have a D&C scheduled for Friday and I think after that I will actually feel better. That way it will be done and we can move on and start trying again in a few months. Right now I'm just in limbo, trapped in a body that still thinks it's pregnant. I'm still dealing with the occasional nausea but now there is no light at the end of the tunnel to get me through it.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists vertically, I'm trying to focus on the positives. I had only gone off the pill 2 months prior to getting pregnant. So I am so thankful to even be able to get pregnant in the first place. I know of some people dealing with infertility and my heart breaks for them. Thankfully I'm still young so I don't have my biological clock ticking loudly in my ear.

My game plan is get my butt back in shape. In the months we were trying, I really slacked because I figured, "What's the point? Eventually I'll be pregnant and it won't matter." Then once I became pregnant, I got a ton of bloat. I didn't gain any weight but my belly became a fat, squishy bump. So my goal is to get back into my old workout routine and get serious about WW again. Hopefully I can start my next pregnancy a lot lighter than I started this one.

I'm so incredibly lucky, I have some great friends and family who have been supportive. Even though it's hard to "untell" people, I'm glad there were people who knew. I can't imagine going through this without anyone knowing. Even if I could do it all over again I would still tell those closest to me because they are the ones helping me get through it. Hubby has been absolutely amazing. Even though he's really disappointed, he's been so selfless and supportive.
So all in all, I'm doing ok. I know we'll survive and one way or another we'll have kids someday.

Oh by the way, if you ever encounter a woman who has gone through a miscarriage, please refrain from saying, "Everything happens for a reason." The next person who tells me that is getting punched in the throat.

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