Friday, May 29, 2009

A Game Plan...Sort Of

So I'm 2 weeks post d&c and physically I'm feel pretty good. Luckily, I only bled for 5 days and only had some mild cramping. Emotionally, it's a whole different story. I am relieved it's all over and sad that we went through this but most of all, I'm angry. Like crazy, full or rage, wanting to beat the f*** out of someone angry. I can't stand to hear about the irresponsible people I know who have perfectly healthy kids. I just can't make sense of it all and that makes me even more angry.

Over the last week the anger has been getting worse and has begun to consume me. This along with the whole "start trying again or wait" debate has made me a wreck. My head has felt like a sea of a million emotions in the midst of a huge thunderstorm. Feeling pretty hopeless, I went to see our counselor. Hubby and I saw him for our premarital counseling and have gone to see him occasionally over the last 3 years. He is so awesome and always knows how to talk me through a rough situation.

The biggest thing he helped me realize is that I'm entitled to every emotion I'm experiencing. Because miscarriage is so common, I have felt guilty for how much this has taken a hold of me. So many times I have told myself I just need to get over it. Then when I get upset, I'm mad at that I've let it get to me. By talking to our counselor, I've learned it's a process and I need to grieve. I think if I fully allow myself to mourn and work through my feelings, eventually I will be healed. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it but I don't think we ever fully get over a loss.

I also discussed my feelings about trying again. It scares the living the bejeezus out of me to get pregnant any time soon but at the same time I don't want to put it off. He suggested moving my focus away from all things pregnancy related. Focus on all the other things in my life and if it happens it happens. I could easily become obsessed with not getting pregnant and all my fears as much as I could with TTC.

So now my focus is going to be on losing some weight, spending time with Hubby and enjoying all of things that child-free life has to offer. I know when I do get KU again, I will be scared. Especially because I had absolutely no physical warning signs. But at least I know miscarriage is something I can survive. I remember thinking before the miscarriage that there is no way I could handle one. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.

So the gameplan is to have no gameplan and just live life. That's something I can do!


You're a very strong woman and I love you for it. Living life sounds like a great game plan to me :)

I love your game plan (or lack there of??). Press on wise and strong woman that you are!

Good game plan. :)

((HUGS)) I agree that this is a great game plan :)

I think this sounds like an excellent game plan!

I know this is WAY late, but I am just coming back to the world of the nest and blogger. Anyways, the emotions you are feeling are completely normal. I too went through this this year once already and I understand. I think your game plan sounds wonderful. Good luck to you. Stay strong :)

Post a Comment

Newer Post Older Post Home