Blonde Ambition

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= an eventful night!

Thanks to the darn 55 freeway traffic I got myself smooshed between two cars. Everyone was fine and my car really isn't that bad. I feel bad for the girl driving the BMW. Her car is really messed up and she felt so terrible for hitting a pregnant girl.

We went to the ER just to be on the safe side. Thankfully they were efficient and I was in a bed fairly quickly. If I had been 2 weeks further they would have taken to me Labor and Delivery. I had an ultrasound and baby was doing fine. She was wiggling around without a care in the world. My placenta was free of damage and my cervix was closed.

I asked the tech to check the gender and she confirmed it's still a girl!

Now just gotta wait to get my car fixed. I hate driving around with a messed up bumper. It broke my parking sensors so now I'm going to have to be uber careful backing up.

Posted by Laura at 12:05 PM 3 comments

I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and everything is great. We go for our big ultrasound on Monday so I'll have some pictures to share.

Posted by Laura at 10:30 AM 5 comments

Labels: Belly Pics

Do not look at old pictures of your previously tan, thin body when you are fat and pregnant. I stupidly looked at our Hawaii pictures and now want to cry my chunky eyes out. I know, I know I'm not fat, I'm pregnant but I'm still allowed to be depressed over my rapidly increasing thighs.

It's fine though, they will be motivation getting back into shape after she arrives. Is it too early to start planning my May 2010 meals?

In fun baby news, I'm pretty sure I've felt her move. It's not often or super obvious but at least once a day I feel a flutter or small tap. Wheee!

Posted by Laura at 2:44 PM 1 comments

It's a girl!!!!! My intuition was right :) Now we just need to come to an agreement on the name. I think I have Hubby on board with my first choice but he still needs a little convincing.


Yesterday I hit 16 weeks. So far time is going fairly quickly. I wouldn't say flying but it's not dragging like it was in the beginning.


Here is a picture of my belly. I know I'm not supposed to worry about my weight but I'm already freaking out about how fat my face looks. It's the first place I gain weight and I'm afraid going to look disgusting by the end of this pregnancy. I'm just crossing my fingers that it doesn't get any bigger.

Posted by Laura at 4:05 PM 6 comments

Labels: Belly Pics

I can't believe I'm 15 weeks already. I've been feeling a lot better and the nausea is gone for the most part. Unfortunately, I think I'm coming down with the flu. I have a fever and I've been coughing like crazy. It was so bad earlier I threw up :( I called the doctor and they said I'm basically SOL because there is nothing I can take. I was supposed to get a flu shot this afternoon but now I can't. Normally, I wouldn't be worried about being sick but I am already in protective mama mode. I don't want anything to happen to my little belly bean. I know he/she is nice and safe in there but I still worry. Also, I have two very special people who could go into labor any day and I will be heartbroken if I can't see them and their babies in the hospital. So I'm going to take it easy and rest so I can get better.

I don't have a belly picture from this week but I do have one from last week. I think I look smaller then the 12 week picture!

14 weeks

Posted by Laura at 12:59 PM 4 comments

Labels: Belly Pics

Posted by Laura at 10:57 PM 0 comments

Our NT scan was great! Everything is measuring perfectly and all of the vital parts are there. It is so amazing how they could tell that there is fluid in her tummy, both sides of the brain present and the positioning of the diaphragm.

Hubby and I were both in awe at how active the baby was. Kicking legs and waving hi! The tech's guess at the gender was...GIRL! She said it's only about 80% accurate so I'm not buying any hair bows or tutus until I get another ultrasound.

Here is a picture of our beautiful baby:

Posted by Laura at 4:52 PM 3 comments

It's tomorrow at 2:30pm. I have to be there an hour and a half early to do the blood work portion and then drink 32 ounces of water. I'm going to pee my pants!

They will take a guess at the gender and record the ultrasound on a VHS tape. So hopefully I'll have good news and good pictures to post tomorrow!

Posted by Laura at 5:01 PM 1 comments

Originally I didn't want to do it because I just don't need to be riled up over something that could be nothing. I'm the type of person that believes if there is a chance of something happening, it's going to happen to me. So you could tell me my chance of Down's Syndrome is 1/10,000 and I will be convinced up until the day I deliver that I will be that one person.

Hubby and I have been talking and it really stresses him out that I won't have another ultrasound (from the doctor's office) until 20 weeks. After our miscarriage, he feels he needs some extra assurance. So we decided we are going to try and schedule the NT scan and just ignore the results. Maybe I'll even give them Hubby's number to call with the results and tell him not to tell me. I do want to hear their guess on the gender though!

I'm not sure what the cutoff is for that test so I'm hoping I'm still within the time frame. If they could fit me in next week I'll be 13.5 weeks. So hopefully soon I'll have a baby pic to post. I have pics from our first ultrasound at 8 weeks but it is so blurry it's not worth posting, trust me!

We will be having a gender ultrasound at Ultrasound Me in Costa Mesa in a few weeks. I'm hoping to schedule it on Halloween! I will be 1 day shy of 16 weeks and it would work out perfectly since it is a Saturday. What a fun Halloween treat that would be!

Posted by Laura at 1:29 PM 1 comments

Posted by Laura at 11:36 AM 6 comments

Labels: Belly Pics

I'm sure you all know but just wanted to make it official!

Posted by Laura at 11:34 AM 4 comments

So I'm 2 weeks post d&c and physically I'm feel pretty good. Luckily, I only bled for 5 days and only had some mild cramping. Emotionally, it's a whole different story. I am relieved it's all over and sad that we went through this but most of all, I'm angry. Like crazy, full or rage, wanting to beat the f*** out of someone angry. I can't stand to hear about the irresponsible people I know who have perfectly healthy kids. I just can't make sense of it all and that makes me even more angry.


Over the last week the anger has been getting worse and has begun to consume me. This along with the whole "start trying again or wait" debate has made me a wreck. My head has felt like a sea of a million emotions in the midst of a huge thunderstorm. Feeling pretty hopeless, I went to see our counselor. Hubby and I saw him for our premarital counseling and have gone to see him occasionally over the last 3 years. He is so awesome and always knows how to talk me through a rough situation.

The biggest thing he helped me realize is that I'm entitled to every emotion I'm experiencing. Because miscarriage is so common, I have felt guilty for how much this has taken a hold of me. So many times I have told myself I just need to get over it. Then when I get upset, I'm mad at that I've let it get to me. By talking to our counselor, I've learned it's a process and I need to grieve. I think if I fully allow myself to mourn and work through my feelings, eventually I will be healed. I don't think I'll ever be completely over it but I don't think we ever fully get over a loss.

I also discussed my feelings about trying again. It scares the living the bejeezus out of me to get pregnant any time soon but at the same time I don't want to put it off. He suggested moving my focus away from all things pregnancy related. Focus on all the other things in my life and if it happens it happens. I could easily become obsessed with not getting pregnant and all my fears as much as I could with TTC.

So now my focus is going to be on losing some weight, spending time with Hubby and enjoying all of things that child-free life has to offer. I know when I do get KU again, I will be scared. Especially because I had absolutely no physical warning signs. But at least I know miscarriage is something I can survive. I remember thinking before the miscarriage that there is no way I could handle one. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.

So the gameplan is to have no gameplan and just live life. That's something I can do!

Posted by Laura at 1:03 PM 6 comments

I can't explain it any other way. We were at Rite Aid last night and saw an incredibly young girl ready to pop. Her and her pants sagging boyfriend could not have been over 16. I wanted to scream at her. I just don't get it. Why her and not me?

Ok, gotta focus on the positive. I'm on day 3 of sticking to WW and am going to go to the step aerobics class at the gym. I haven't been in forever and I'm actually looking forward to it.

Posted by Laura at 11:34 AM 6 comments

Yesterday was my first day back on track. Aside being back on WW, I went to the gym. Usually on Mondays I would take a SET class that is a mix of cardio and weights. I knew that there is no way I could even keep up and I didn't want to be discouraged. So I just went to the gym and did some cardio. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the treadmill. I kept having these negative thoughts about how out of shape I've gotten but I had to keep reminding myself that it's in the past and all I can do is move forward. It's either that or wallow in self pity and keep expanding. Our anniversary is 6 weeks from tomorrow and I'm determined to be down 10 pounds by then.

Posted by Laura at 2:53 PM 1 comments

First of all, I have to say I am so incredibly grateful for every one of your thoughtful comments. I feel so incredibly lucky to be "surrounded" by such great people. All of your thoughts and prayers are so appreciated and I know I am going to make it through this.

Yesterday (Friday) was the d&c. I really think the worst part was not being able to eat or drink anything after midnight on Thursday. They really mean nothing. The instructions even said chewing gum was out of the question.

So I tried my best to sleep in and relax before we had to leave. We needed to leave the house by 11:15 so I enjoyed The Price is Right and then got ready to go. As I was walking to the car, a mother effing bug flew in my ear! It went straight in there and would not come out. I could feel it flitting around. After nearly killing my eardrum, I was able to get it out with a q-tip. I started crying. It was one of those FML moments.

After the bug debacle, we were off to the Hoag Outpatient Surgery Center, which funny enough is not at Hoag but across the street. Since we are ballers, we valet parked. Ok, we are actually lazy and parking is a total biotch so we took the easy route. When we got into the front office, I had to sign a bunch of paperwork and that is when it sunk in. It's over, there is officially no hope of discovering later that they were wrong and there is a healthy baby growing inside of me. At that point, I lost it.

I blubbered the whole way as they got me ready for the surgery and went over the procedure. I don't know why but I kept apologizing. I was emotional plus starving and I just couldn't keep it in. Everyone there was really understanding and only once person decided to inform me that everything happens for a reason. She even prefaced it with, "I know you don't want to hear this." I contemplated punching her but I didn't want to rip out my IV.

After waiting for what felt like an eternity, they shot me up with a fabulous cocktail and within seconds I was giggling like a school girl. After that they wheeled me back and I don't remember anything from that point. The next thing I knew, I was in recovery. I didn't feel too bad, just a little bit of cramping. They gave me some pain medication and I quickly felt better. After about half an hour, they wheeled me to the car and we were on our way home. I dined on some fabulous mac and cheese and napped for awhile. Later, I was actually feeling pretty good so we went to dinner with some friends. Today, I've just been taking it easy. My parents brought us lunch and I've been working on some sewing projects I've been putting off.

So all and all, I survived and I'm so glad I went with the d&c. Even as of yesterday morning, I hadn't had any bleeding or cramping so who knows how long it would have taken my body to naturally miscarry. It really baffles me that my body still hadn't realized that the baby stopped growing. I guess it's a good thing that my body tried so hard to hold on. I don't know if it really means something but it makes me feel better.

As far as moving forward and trying again, I'm really unsure. The NP we saw right after we found out said we should wait 1 to 2 cycles and the doctor told me 2 to 3 cycles. Everything I've read said it isn't any riskier to get pregnant right away. I've heard a few stories of friends of friends who got pregnant their first cycle after the miscarriage and their babies are fine. So I'm not sure what to do. I want to do what is best but if there really isn't any reason to wait, I'd rather not. It took us a few months the first time anyways so who knows if I would even get pregnant right away. I guess I have some time to figure it out, I was given a list of things I can't do for 2 weeks and that includes doin' it. Lucky for hubby, 2 weeks ends on his birthday :)

Posted by Laura at 5:29 PM 3 comments

I haven't blogged in awhile and had hoped to return with a great announcement. At the end of March I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, at our appointment last Friday, when I should have been 10 weeks, we found out the baby had stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. I can honestly say this was the worst moment of my life. From the moment I got the positive result on the home pregnancy test, I had the fear that something like this would happen. I think every pregnant woman has this fear. Sadly my fears became a reality.

I can't help but be a mix of emotions. Beyond being incredibly sad, I'm angry. Why me? When so many irresponsible people get pregnant on accident and deliver a healthy baby, why do I not even make it out of the first trimester? I don't begrudge anyone I care about a baby but I just can't make sense out of how God decides which babies will make it and which ones won't.
I have a D&C scheduled for Friday and I think after that I will actually feel better. That way it will be done and we can move on and start trying again in a few months. Right now I'm just in limbo, trapped in a body that still thinks it's pregnant. I'm still dealing with the occasional nausea but now there is no light at the end of the tunnel to get me through it.

In order to keep myself from slitting my wrists vertically, I'm trying to focus on the positives. I had only gone off the pill 2 months prior to getting pregnant. So I am so thankful to even be able to get pregnant in the first place. I know of some people dealing with infertility and my heart breaks for them. Thankfully I'm still young so I don't have my biological clock ticking loudly in my ear.

My game plan is get my butt back in shape. In the months we were trying, I really slacked because I figured, "What's the point? Eventually I'll be pregnant and it won't matter." Then once I became pregnant, I got a ton of bloat. I didn't gain any weight but my belly became a fat, squishy bump. So my goal is to get back into my old workout routine and get serious about WW again. Hopefully I can start my next pregnancy a lot lighter than I started this one.

I'm so incredibly lucky, I have some great friends and family who have been supportive. Even though it's hard to "untell" people, I'm glad there were people who knew. I can't imagine going through this without anyone knowing. Even if I could do it all over again I would still tell those closest to me because they are the ones helping me get through it. Hubby has been absolutely amazing. Even though he's really disappointed, he's been so selfless and supportive.
So all in all, I'm doing ok. I know we'll survive and one way or another we'll have kids someday.

Oh by the way, if you ever encounter a woman who has gone through a miscarriage, please refrain from saying, "Everything happens for a reason." The next person who tells me that is getting punched in the throat.

Posted by Laura at 5:45 PM 21 comments

Check out this awesome blog! Just goes to show you anything is possible. You can enter to win some free snacks too!

Posted by Laura at 9:44 AM 0 comments

Posted by Laura at 9:27 AM 2 comments

Labels: My Husband is Awesome, Weight Watchers, Weight Woes

My friend Rachael just launched her own H&M business! She has worked at other H&M companies but now is branching out on her own. She is fabulous! Check out her website Charmed Beauty. Look at some of her fabulous work on a fabulous model ;)

Posted by Laura at 11:29 AM 3 comments

Posted by Laura at 1:18 PM 1 comments

Labels: Food, Weight Woes

The friday before Hubby started his new job, I took the day off so we could spend some time together. We decided to go up to Hollywood and roam around since I had never really done the whole touristy thing. It was pretty rainy so we didn't get to do much but we did hit up the Guiness World Record Museum:

Mann's Chinese Theater:

And the Hollywood Wax Museum:

We parked at the Hollywood & Highland Center and on our way to the car what did I spy with my little eye? I spotted a Beard Papa's! Or Bearded Papa's as I like to call it since that's what FGD first told me.

So.effing.good

We took our cream puffs to go and enjoyed them in the car. After that we went to downtown LA and found the Grand Central Market. We got some good produce and ate some yummy Chinese food.

Hubby had never been to China town so we headed there in search of some tortugas as we call them.

He kept calling my SIL to ask where she got her turtles and the best way to ask for them. I was so confused and I finally told him to just ask someone in one of the stores. Little did I know, they are illegal. After wandering a little marketplace, we found someone selling them and picked out our new pets, Byong Sun (the kid from kicking and screaming) and Beam (Hubby's friend from Japan, because it's all the same right? j/k). After that we headed home and the next day was Valentine's day, and you know how that went :)

Posted by Laura at 4:00 PM 2 comments

Labels: My Husband is Awesome

This

On Saturday morning, Hubby rushed off because he had to take care of an errand. I didn't think much of it and lounged around. He called me like 2 hours later and said we had to go somewhere. So I got ready quickly and we headed off. As we were pulling off of the freeway, he made me close my eyes. We were getting off the 55 at Harbor so I figured maybe Ikea? We need a few inexpensive pieces for our living room so I would have been fine with that! After a few minutes we pulled in somewhere and he led me out of the car. All of the sudden I heard a car start(remote start!!!) and he had me open my eyes. There was my beautiful new car in front of me! Then I opened the center console and the Itouch was in there. He engraved it on the back, "Happy Valentine's Day Mrs. Brock 2009. I love you." That night we went to Roy's in Newport Beach and had an awesome dinner. It was seriously the best Valentine's Day ever.

BTW, I'm not in some retro marriage where he makes all of the decisions. We have been car shopping for awhile and he knew this was exactly the car I wanted.

Posted by Laura at 4:30 PM 5 comments

Labels: My Husband is Awesome

I haven't blogged in awhile...Things were pretty crappy during the end of 2008/beginning of 2009 and so with a lot of weight on my shoulders, I didn't feel like talking about it. So as to not ramble, I will make a list of all of the wonderful things in my life.

1. Hubby has a job! He got the offer a few weeks ago but it was contingent on him passing the state's insurance license exam. He starts Monday. Woot Woot!!

2. I got promoted! It's bittersweet because it's due to a co-worker losing her job. She had some serious issues to work and luckily her family has kept us in the loop. She is getting the help she needs.

3. My parents found new renters for their house. The previous renters moved out at the end of December without paying December's rent. What makes me the most angry is that these people moved into this house because the home they owned was being foreclosed on. Some how after many months of not paying their mortgage, the bank is letting them keep the house. So they screwed my parents and just moved. Ugh, it's so disgusting how some people have no sense of responsibility. My parents were really stressing but thankfully they had new renters shortly after. I swear if I ever see their previous tenants I will kick them in the shins.

4. My parents have a new adorable little puppy, Holly. We had to have our family dog, Sierra of 13 years put to sleep in April, which was terribly traumatic for all of us, especially my mom. Now that us kids are grown, her dogs are like her children. They have another dog, Tessa who is five and she really needed a friend. She was so lonely without Sierra. So they were finally ready to bring a puppy home. They got her right before Christmas and she is the cutest thing ever. Bailey already loved going to my parents' house to play with their older dog. So now he has two dogs to play with and he LOVES it. Although now that the puppy is bigger than him, he's realizing he needs some new moves.

5. Our new house is fabulous. We are finally feeling settled and loving how much space we have.

6. I'm back in a workout routine and feeling so much better. I was really down on myself and ready to throw in the towel a few weeks ago.

7. Our dogs are the best. Well that has never changed. They have been the one constant that always comforted us when things got tough. Sorry that wasn't very brief! So in a nutshell, life is good. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed for what lies ahead. I plan on blogging more frequently now that I have some normalcy in my life. Cheers to 2009!

Posted by Laura at 10:28 AM 6 comments

Labels: Doggies

I've started reading a new book, Refuse to Regain. It's all about helping those looking to maintain weight loss. Since I have found support for maintaining so difficult to come by, I was excited to find this book. In the first chapter, the author presents some statistics that are pretty crazy.

So I basically have a better chance of getting into medical school than keeping this weight off. Rather than let those statistics scare me, I'm going to use it to motivate me. I am determined to be in that 20%.

Posted by Laura at 6:31 AM 1 comments

Labels: Weight Woes

So the last few days I have had a familiar feeling that fills me with dread and reminded me how much I slacked on my workouts. My thighs are rubbing together again! It’s only ever so slight but it makes me so mad. How could I have let this happen? It’s not like I went off the deep end. I still worked out a few times in the last month and still watched my food intake some of the time. Ugh, I guess it’s just a reminder that this is never going to be easy and I’m going to have to be careful for the rest of my life. This blows.
So I wallowed in self pity for a short while and then realized that all that will do is make me fatter. I had so many excuses for myself and it is time for them to stop. From now on I have to get back into my routine and stick to it. We are all moved so there is no reason not to get to the gym four times a week. I started back yesterday and did the first day of Couch to 5k and rode the bike for 20 minutes. I wanted to cry at how slow I was. Some people can not work out for months and then go run a few miles no problem. Not me. Working out is never something that has come easily to me. It took a long time before I didn't curse the gym whenever I went there.
I have to stop beating myself up for how out of shape I’ve gotten in these few short weeks and start fresh. Instead of focusing on what I can’t do that I used to be able to do, I need to start fresh and then focus on my improvements.

Posted by Laura at 10:56 AM 3 comments

Labels: Exercise, Weight Woes

Saw these at Target today. I seriously thought about buying them. Jeans have always been my enemy because of my muffin top and I long for the day I can wear maternity jeans. I'd do the untucked shirt though, I didn't know any one tucked their shirts in at all anymore, let alone into elastic.

Posted by Laura at 1:48 PM 1 comments

Labels: Life and Such, Shopping and the Likes

The only thing we have really done is paint and get some furniture. The next step is to get some stuff up on the walls!
The living room:

The kitchen:

It's hard to tell but the walls are light green. I'm doing shabby chic with pink and green.The dining room:

This is the kitchen table I had growing up. My parents gave it to us a few years ago but this is the first pace we could actually use it. I'd really like to have it refinished in a dark brown.Hubby's office:

It drives me nuts but he wanted the desk in the middle of the room.

Or bedroom:

I thought I had outgrown Ikea furniture but I loved this bed and it was only $149.

Posted by Laura at 10:31 AM 5 comments

Labels: Life and Such

So I have totally lagged on my blogging but life has been hectic with the holidays and moving. Here are the gifts I made for Christmas:

A quilt for my sister:A purse for hubby's cousin:

We are slowly putting the house together and I will be posting some pictures soon. When we moved out of our old house we got rid of almost everything so we have had to buy a lot of the essentials again. Last night we bought a new refrigerator so only a few more days of living off of take out!

Posted by Laura at 1:51 PM 2 comments

Labels: Sewing